Hello My Love! 🥰
Wow. It has been a MINUTE! And let me tell you, I have been in the most powerful, profound initiation of my life. Holy FUCK. lol
I quite simply am not the same person that I used to be… and at the same time I am more me now, than I have ever been before. ❤️ So I want to tell you about my journey…
There’s quite a bit that I feel is important for me to share and before I do, I have 2 requests:
- I have a loving, yet firm boundary around giving me any kind of health advice or sharing your opinions/concerns on this. I have amazing support and everything I’m doing is science and evidence based. Plus, I’ve literally never been happier or healthier!
- Please keep any comments like, “oh I had a feeling something was wrong” to yourself – they just don’t feel good or supportive to me.
**AND, I welcome all of your love and celebration!
Although I couldn’t fully see all the dots connect until last year, the journey I’ve been on actually started a long time ago…
As a child I started body checking. I would look in the mirror and gauge how flat my stomach was every morning and every evening. It was just something I always did. I never considered WHY.
When I was 10, I decided to stop eating all red meat – I would only eat poultry and fish. I can see now that this was partially a form of control.
**It was something I could say NO to.**
It was something that made me unique and different. And it made me feel like I had some autonomy.
Then when I was 13 I started using crystal meth (among other things but that is another story) and I wouldn’t eat for days on end when I was high. I loved being high – free from all the pain. And I also remember, as a bonus, I loved how small I got during that time. I was proud of how thin my stomach was.
This is also the first time I developed hypothalamic amenorrhea (or HA – when a woman stops having her period), though I didn’t know it at the time. This is common though for women who are not eating enough calories.
Between 14-16 I stopped using the hard drugs and gained a fair bit of weight.
Now that I understand so much more about the body, I can see this was likely a combination of the NATURAL weight gain of growing into a woman along with recovering from an intense period of drug use and semi starvation.
It is a common response for a body to gain weight when it is in a period of recovery. Fat can act as a protector while internal organs or injuries heal. It is a GOOD thing in this way. (Not to mention estrogen is made in fat cells! Hello femininity!)
But then, I learned one of my good guy friends had been making fun of my weight gain behind my back at a party. I was soooo humiliated and ashamed.
This is when I made an unconscious vow (or many vows, more accurately) to lose weight…
Never ever would I allow myself to be humiliated like that again. Never would I allow myself to be fat again. I would always make sure I looked “good” to protect myself from the pain of being humiliated. I would be enough- to belong. To be loved. To be wanted. Etc. Etc.
This is when I started my committed journey of being “healthy” and losing weight. I started working out regularly, eating more “clean” and was determined to lose weight by grad.
And guess what?! I did!
I lost a bunch of weight very quickly and I felt so good about it. I received LOTS of praise from others.
Everyone was congratulating me for losing weight. “You look SO GOOD Katelyn!” people said.
To be honest though, while I had a new sense of security around my appearance, I was so tired, I barely showed up for my grade 12 classes, and I felt disconnected from myself.
But I was being “healthy” and looked so good! So I did my best to continue.
Despite my efforts, after a while my gusto faded and I started to gain weight again (a very common thing for our bodies to do when we have lost weight below our set point weight).
Each body has its own weight set point – it’s more like a range – that it likes to stay in and it will always fight to be in that weight range as it is the size it is healthiest at. It is quite often bigger than what many of us have learned is “ideal” according to beauty standards, fitness magazines and the BMI chart…
Which is where the quest to be smaller and so much disordered eating and eating disorders stem from.
So at this point my weight began to yo-yo. It was a constant fight with my body.
I was either gaining weight and full of shame or losing weight and so proud of myself. It was an obsession… always running in the background.
In my early 20s, my determination to avoid being fat led me to bulimia. Anything to keep me from gaining weight. Thankfully, I was able to stop the bulimia before it got too bad, and I decided I would just eat more healthy instead.
I didn’t realize it at the time but this was really just my eating disorder morphing from one restrictive eating disorder to another… orthorexia.
Orthorexia is when a person’s quest for healthy or “clean” eating goes too far. They will start to restrict food groups and become obsessive about being healthy and eating clean and “pure”.
And honestly, it doesn’t take much to bring the body out of balance when a person starts to get restrictive with foods – including dieting, restricting food groups, amounts of food, times of eating foods, etc.
So from my 20s into up until 2020, I sincerely believed I was eating healthy and taking care of myself by doing so. And I prided myself on that!
Through that time, at different points, I: stopped eating all meat, stopped eating dairy, stopped eating sugar, stopped eating gluten, stopped eating breakfasts, stopped eating at night, cleansed and cleansed and cleansed, and battled binging.
My weight fluctuated a bit in this time, but mostly I stayed pretty lean. If ever I caved and allowed my body to gain a bit of weight (which it desperately needed to do… poor body ❤️ ), I would quickly get back on top of it (force it to be smaller than it wanted to be).
And the fucked up thing is for the most part, I was always encouraged and looked up to for being so “fit” and “healthy”.
Meanwhile, my health was actually getting worse and worse…. I was cold all the time, had very irregular periods, had insomnia & was feeling fatigued, got dizzy when I stood up, was really stressed and anxious, had candida issues, random injuries and issues were not healing, my immune system was very low, my relationship to food was really stressful – always thinking about food and jealous of people who “got” to eat whatever they wanted.
I kept trying to fix these issues by changing my food intake in different ways, trying different cleanses, intermittent fasting, going alkaline or whatever. And for a while – even years – it often worked! But a new issue to figure out with food would always arise again.
At this time, I still LOVED my work, I had a very strong spiritual connection, I created many things I was so proud of, I was always able to support my clients in powerful ways, and I experienced many moments of magic and joy… BUT there was also this underlying feeling of “something is wrong”. And this thing with food and my body was always running in the background.
Then at the beginning of 2020, I got hypothalamic amenorrhea (or HA – this is when the hypothalamus stops secreting reproductive hormones and a woman will stop getting her period) for the second time in my life and I finally knew something was very, very wrong.
My life force was very drained.
My body was beyond depleted.
My power to manifest was so much weaker than I was used to.
And under the surface, I had never been more sad. I felt dead inside. And now I know, I really was dying. Slowly, slowly, I was starving and dying. My body was shutting down. 💔
Now I know that I was cold all the time because my body stopped warming me as it was trying to preserve energy (not because I didn’t have much “meat on my bones” like I always thought). I had candida issues because I restricted too many foods, not because I ate too much of something. I stopped getting my period because my body perceived there was a famine and having a menstrual cycle takes a lot of energy, plus there was not enough energy (AKA calories) to sustain a new life. At this point the uterus also shrinks along with the bladder which is why I had to pee all the time. I had insomnia because my body was HUNGRY and it wanted me to eat, not sleep. I came to learn that basically every health issue I had was due to lack of energy (AKA calories)…
Finally, in October of 2020, after having hypothalamic amenorrhea for 11 months, I read Dr. Nicola Rhinali’s book, No Period, Now What.
I learned that the reason for HA was because I was restrictive with food. And the answer was to go “All In” which is a recovery method that includes eating a minimum of 2500 calories/day (but having NO maximum calories), honoring ALL of the body’s cravings, stopping all exercise for a time, and allowing the body to gain weight.
Some people need to gain just a few pounds, and some people need to gain well over 100 pounds. Every body is different. There is no right or wrong.
So, this is what I did. I went all in. I spoke with my Dr.s and dietitian. And I let the fuck go. Of all the rules and all of the restrictions I had gathered throughout my life.
And thus began the most profound, challenging, humbling, and healing initiation of my life so far.
At first, I was in HEAVEN!!! It was the most incredible thing ever to eat all those foods I had denied myself all those years! And believe me when I say I was STARVING (also known as extreme hunger). I ate and ate and ate. And it was TERRIFYING! I had to face all my fear foods. All the foods I had made “bad” all those years. All the foods I had deemed as unhealthy… Ice cream. Chocolate. Butter on white bread. CHEESE. DOUGHNUTS! Pizza! Alllllll the foods I was so afraid of but LOVED so much!
And… I also had to face my ultimate fear of this journey… gaining weight.
But guess what… after just 5 weeks of going All In, eating whatever I craved, and letting my body gain weight and… I got my period back!!!
It was the BEST feeling. I will never forget it. To feel my womanhood in this way again was just the most amazing thing. And this is when I received – at a deeper level than ever before – the knowing and understanding that what I crave, what I DESIRE, is GOOD for me. This is when I finally learned… I CAN TRUST MY BODY. I CAN TRUST MY CRAVINGS. All of the “bad” foods I was scared of, were the exact foods that healed me and brought my period back! It was incredible.
At the same time though, I was in extreme pain all over. I could literally barely get out of bed. I was having intense hot flashes. It hurt to touch any part of my body. I was still extremely hungry. And continuing to gain weight rapidly.
This is when I learned I was not just dealing with hypothalamic amenorrhea, I actually had a pretty serious eating disorder (disguised as being healthy) and all of this pain was the result of my body finally having enough fuel to start healing from years of abuse and deprivation.
I was SHOCKED. And horrified.
Like I said, I had always prided myself on being healthy and taking good care of myself… so this was a really rude awakening for me.
And while I had gotten my first period back (yay!) I was coming to understand I was still at the very beginning of a long, long journey to fully recover from a restrictive eating disorder.
Everyone is different, but most people take at least 2 years to fully recover. Generally this is how this process goes: a person goes “All In” to recover, they gain weight (sometimes a lot, sometimes a little), the body plateau’s for a while, and then eventually (sometimes after a few months or sometimes years, depending on the person) the body will very slowly and with ZERO effort to loose weight, balance out at a weight that is healthy for IT… Not a weight that a Dr. thinks is right, or what the BMI chart says, or what someone’s ego thinks is “good”… the body knows where it is meant to be and it will go there naturally as long as there is no more restriction – it’s brilliant, really!
Meanwhile, there’s some serious neural rewiring that needs to take place around fears of food, diet culture, body image, fatphobia. It’s incredibly full on, but sooo worth it.
Full recovery looks like true freedom from food and body obsession plus being weight restored with hormones secreting and organs all healed up. The whole process can take anywhere from 6 months to 6 years.
At this point, I’m just over 16 months into recovery and I cannot tell you how many identity destructions and ego deaths I’ve been through, each one taking me down to my knees in tears and then rising me up again into a more deeply embodied woman, surrendered to God and firmly rooted in the essence of my soul.
There are no words for how humbled and grateful I am for this experience.
I’m still in it and some days are still hard. But I spend more and more time in this place of freedom now… I can go months at a time without hardly giving a thought to my body aside from “Omg I LOVE Her! She’s so soft and how cute is She?!” And my relationship with food is so healthy and easy! I just eat what I want, when I want it and that’s it.
I never binge eat. I never deprive myself. I don’t need to monitor my food at all.
I trust my body to tell me what food and movement will be best for Her.
It’s as simple as breathing.
I no longer have insomnia. I’m not cold all the time anymore. My period is more regular than it’s ever been. I actually love the way it feels to be in a bigger body – my body feels voluptuous, soft, and feminine. And in general, I’m just SO FUCKING HAPPY.
Like, I’m probably the jolliest person I know. 🤣 I laugh sooooo much.
The growth and vibration this initiation has led me to embody is really just soooo beautiful and true. It’s a love and freedom I never had access to when I was still stuck in that old programming and manipulating my body to my will based on societal expectations. I’m just so fucking grateful.
Here are some of my favourite lessons and gifts from this process so far:
- What I crave is what is meant for me! My desires (in life and with food!) are GOOD. I was never meant to deprive myself. It is safe to let my body have authority over my life and She will always lead me to what I most deeply desire. 🙌🏼
- Throughout this entire journey, my work with my clients has only gotten MORE powerful and amazing (as it does, when we continue along our own path of growth and healing). I really came to understand that my purpose is what GIVES me energy and purpose… My service is what keeps me steady and showing up to my own work and the world. Plus, I learned I definitely don’t need to be online to thrive financially! I went offline before I even learned about going All In and it was such a wonderful shift of gears!
- I also came to even more deeply understand the impact of oppression on the nervous system and what it really takes to heal and rise from this impact in order to step more into who we really are and what we are really meant for.
- Transcending fatphobia. Truth: small bodies aren’t better than fat bodies. Small bodies can be unhealthy. Fat bodies can be healthy. And visa versa. It’s all unique to each person. Body diversity is a real thing! And fat is not bad, gross, or wrong. The hierarchy around some bodies being better than others is a complete lie and damaging social construct that we all get to drop now, if we choose.
- My libido went 📈📈📈. Orgasms are so much more amazing and I LOVE the way sex feels in my new fuller body. There’s so much more to love. 😍😋
- I have a much stronger nervous system and greater capacity to emotionally regulate myself now that my body is sufficiently nourished (which makes conscious co-creation so much easier and more pleasurable too).
- My money game went WAY next level. I’ve tapped into an abundance beyond anything I had experienced before. The abundance I allowed with food translated to more abundance in money too. 🙌🏻
I think the thing I want to leave you with today is this: no matter who you are or how your body is right now, I hope you know it is Divine – YOU are divine. If you have a feeling that there’s something not good enough about you or your body – it’s a lie. Who you are at your CORE, and in all of your shapes and shades, is BEAUTIFUL. And you deserve to be fully loved and nourished WELL in all ways. You don’t need to change yourself to be enough. You already are. God made you perfect.
So… there it is! Here I am! This is me. I love you soooo much. Thank you for reading. Feel free to ask me any questions if you have them.
And, thank you for respecting my requests/boundaries.
Okay, love you, byyyyeeee! 💋💋💋