I thought for sure that I was a great communicator… even a pro.
I thought I was so good at it actually that I even considerately told my partner how HE could communicate better! I would take a few moments after a little tiff we had and think to myself, ‘I’ll just go let him know what he can do better for next time.’ That usually did not go over very well, as you might imagine. Haha.
After seeing this pattern play out over and over again I decided I wanted…
- To be more in harmony with my partner
- To develop a deeper understanding and respect for each other
- To experience more compassion and love
So, I set forth to make the change and I succeeded!
How did I do it? Well, it started off with an affirmation/statement that, “I am a conscious, clear and loving communicator.” Little did I know that this intent would reveal some very unpleasant qualities I had been carrying around with me. I began to see how I had been so NOT conscious, so NOT clear, and so NOT actually loving in my communication. This came as a very unpleasent surprise to me!
See, when I set the intention that I am a conscious clear and loving communicator, I began to become aware of every way that I had not already been that… And it could be no other way.
In order to fix a problem we must first become fully aware of exactly how something is not working so we can really see what needs to be implemented to make the change.
Here are some of the revelations I had…
I would often point my finger at my partner for the exact things I was guilty of myself. Example: I would say, “Why don’t you tell me what you’re feeling?”, later to notice myself holding back on my own feelings in a different moment (the classic mirror representation). Another example: I would get so frustrated when my partner would use slight tones of voice or body language that I found to be manipulative. It was so frustrating because I wouldn’t necessarily be able to explain what he was doing wrong since it was so slight. Grrrrr! Then, I started to see how I would do the same thing!
The truth was, I was turning a blind eye on my own imperfections and really playing the blame game. Nothing is more infuriating than hearing someone say, “You always/never do _______!” In the end, I have learned that to have a more passionate and fulfilling relationship, express yourself consciously rather than staying quiet and letting resentment build.
Steps to creating an open, honest, and loving relationship:
1. Begin to pay close attention to the fine details of your own communication style and be willing to tweak it. Don’t get stuck in stubbornness!
2. Explain to your partner how you would like to be communicated to (be sure to do this when you are feeling grounded and clear – not in the middle of anger or outrage) and when you do, take full responsibility for your request. Example: rather than saying, “You never listen to me and it seems like your computer is more important than I am.” You could say, “For me, I feel much more loved and connected with you when you give me eye contact and focus on me when I am sharing something with you. Will you please do that for me?” This way you are not pointing fingers or blaming, instead you are taking full responsibility for your feelings and clearly asking for what you want.
3. Ask your partner how you can be a better communicator for them. Stay open to hearing what they have to say. Put yourself in their shoes and be understanding rather than defensive.
I hope this blog post helps you to become a more conscious, clear, and loving communicator and ultimately… upgrade your relationship!